


After Midnight

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band), WayV (Band)
Genre: Depression, Friendship, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Single Mention of Blood and Blades, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:56:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27636467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: The world was weighing on his shoulders and Kun was exhausted. No matter where he looked, what path he took - it all led to the same pain.When he stumbled into a stranger's late night livestream, a glimmer of hope presented itself in the form of a soothing voice and caring words.Doyoung may not have been an expert, but he was a friend. And it was all it took for Kun to hold on just a little while longer.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Qian Kun
Comments: 14
Kudos: 57
Collections: Anonymous





	After Midnight

_I should be all set now,_ Doyoung thought.

It was a rainy Sunday evening, a perfect day to go live and talk to his subscribers for a bit.

The 'talk show' Doyoung had started on a live streaming platform out of boredom one day garnered more attention than he ever wanted it to.

It wasn't supposed to be anything more than him starting a stream all by himself and entertaining the two or three people that randomly stumbled into the stream late at night.

But he realized how more and more people started following him. Doyoung wasn't sure why anyone would care for it, he rarely did anything more than talk about his own day and complain. Maybe that had been the charm of it, who knew.

Not that his following was remarkably big, especially compared to other big streamers, but he did manage to earn just over a thousand followers, even some who he grew closer to during their late night conversations.

Considering his growth and the couple dozen viewers, who were kind and interested enough to tune in regularly, he tried his best to decorate the background - his bedroom - with some fairy lights and candles. He even invested in a proper microphone and webcam for his computer.

What had once been a no-brainer, just something fun he did on the side, was slowly becoming part of his weekly routine. Instead of sporadically appearing throughout the week, he started sticking to a more secure schedule; from Friday to Sunday, at whatever time he felt like talking, usually rather later than sooner.

Doyoung figured that was when people would appreciate it the most, because he certainly would himself. He liked the idea of coming home after a stressful day and just listening to someone talk about life and not have to care about their own. He wanted it to be a space for anyone to come to and feel comfortable, chatting about nothing and the world.

Along with his fixed schedule, he started introducing themes, too. It helped him structure the very spontaneous talks at least a little bit, just in case he had nothing else to talk about. He'd let himself be swayed, though, he'd simply go with the flow after he got the chat going.

And after a while, it became his own escape. He loved the serene atmosphere of it, reading his most dedicated listeners' complaints of the day, laughing about silly current memes on the internet together even though he never saw or heard anyone besides himself on the screen.

He had just finished adjusting his camera and mic, the lights were dimmed, the candles lit and he had prepared his theme for the night: superpowers.

Doyoung turned the livestream on just after midnight and centered himself in the facecam.

The first viewers started trickling in soon and he smiled at the familiar names greeting him in the chat.

"Hello everyone," he began, waving at the camera.

 **_hii~_ **

**_hello doyoung_ **

**_hi everyone!_ **

**_hope everyone's doing well tonight_ **

**_i'm new here, hi!_ **

**_me too_ **

**_me too, what do you do here?_ **

"Welcome to everyone who's joining us for the first time! I'm Doyoung and this is just a place for you to come hangout and talk for a bit, no pressure, just chatting about our days and whatever else you feel like."

 **_that sounds nice, i think i'll stay for a bit!_ **

**_i was looking for something like this, had a bad day :(_ **

**_aww I hope you'll feel better, talking to Doyoung and everyone else here always makes me feel better_ **

**_true!! i love coming here_ **

**_do you have a theme for today doyoung?_ **

"Ah yes! I usually pick out a theme for us to start talking about, but we change topics a lot. I chose 'superpowers' for the night, I thought it'd be fun to discuss which ones we'd all like to have."

It seemed to be one of the rather calm days, there were a total of 76 viewers with most of them watching silently. Only a handful of them participated in the chat, which Doyoung preferred over a packed stream. A lower view count meant that keeping up with the messages in the chat was way easier and it'd be harder to miss any.

 **_that's fun, idk tho.._ **

**_ive actually thought about this the other day!_ **

**_Can we donate to you?_ **

**_too hard doyoung, there are so many i'd like to have o.o_ **

"I understand it's a bit of a tricky one, but we'll find a suitable one for each of you! Also, yes, you can donate to me! No one has to, of course, it just helps me out with my bills and such."

Doyoung began asking about how everyone was doing, why _xominaa_ had a bad day and what power _jmniiee00_ imagined to have when they thought about it the other day.

The sound of the rain trickling down his windows and gently hitting the glass accompanying him throughout the night added to the relaxing nature of the stream as he caught up with his viewers.

A popular choice for superpowers seemed to be mind-reading and invisibility. Doyoung found it amusing to see how differently people thought and what they chose for such an abstract concept.

Doyoung himself chose flight and shared it with the chat.

**_oooh, I don't think anyone mentioned that yet_ **

**_why doyoung?_ **

**_it suits you, i probably would've chosen that for you too_ **

**_knowing dy, he probably has some romantic reasoning_ **

**_I'd choose flight too_ **

**_hmm idk_ **

"I don't know, I guess it does sound a bit poetic. I just like the thought of being able to fly without anything holding me back. Don't we all want to feel like that? Is that what you were thinking too, um, Kun? Is that your name, kun11xd?"

That username was among the ones that hadn't joined the stream before.

**_as expected from doyoung ㅋㅋㅋ_ **

**_kun11xd: Yes_ **

**_he's right tho_ **

**_i guess so, it does sound nice_ **

"Yes? To both?" Doyoung laughed, raising his eyebrows expectantly as he looked into the screen.

**_kun11xd: yes, to both_ **

**_youre funny, kun_ **

**_i like the newcomers tonight_ **

**_im glad there are more ppl joining_ **

**_yes doyoung deserves it!_ **

"Thank you guys, I'm really happy you're all enjoying yourselves here. I love talking to everyone like this and I hope it's becoming a place for more people to come to and wind down!"

Doyoung scrolled through the remainder of the chat, picking out and bringing up other answers from people, keeping up the topic.

The slow and steady trickle of messages allowed him to sit back for a bit and vent about his own worries, however small or big they were.

Doyoung wasn't in a bad place necessarily, but there were always those little things that weren't of any great significance in the big picture that bothered him anyway.

He began talking a bit about his studies and how he was stressed about keeping up with his workload. His concerns resonated with his audience and they quickly began typing out words of encouragement, putting a smile on his face for everyone to see.

**_we can't wait to hear you sing on a big stage!_ **

**_you're gonna be so good_ **

**_doyoung, how are you even worried??_ **

**_right? you have the voice of an angel!_ **

**_yes, we've all heard it before_ **

**_kun11xd: What are you studying?_ **

One of the disadvantages to having a facecam was the inability to hide his embarrassed flush. He giggled nervously at the compliments, appreciating how confident they were in his abilities. He wished he could be as sure as them about his success.

"You're too nice, thank you.. oh, I study Vocal Performance."

This was usually the point where they'd urge him to sing for those who haven't heard it before, but Doyoung wished they'd let him off the hook just this once.

He didn't lack confidence in himself per se, but he also couldn't exactly call himself particularly 'good'. He felt like there was always room to grow, no matter how talented someone was, and he certainly had a long way to go.

**_cmon doyoung, you cant keep your talent to yourself_ **

**_kun11xd: I study Vocal Performance too_ **

**_i wish I had a talent like you.._ **

**_woah two singers in here, anyone else?_ **

"Oh, really? That's so cool, I feel like I barely know anyone who's interested in it. My friends are more the science-y type people, some of them are also dancers, though!"

**_sing sing sing!_ **

**_kun must want to hear it now too_ **

**_two music majors, in singing too, this is a sign_ **

**_idk who could compare to doyoung_ **

Doyoung grew more and more embarrassed, groaning as he adjusted himself in his chair. The chat seemed particularly persistent tonight, much to Doyoung's chagrin.

"Please, can I sing another time? We just got new visitors, we should talk more!"

His efforts to steer the conversation back to the theme proved to be futile, they wouldn't back down now. He exaggerated his sigh, slumping defeatedly.

**_nooo they wanna hear you too! right?_ **

**_i'd like to!_ **

**_kun11xd: I'd like to hear too_ **

**_yesss me too, me too!_ **

**_pleeaasse, if you don't mind?_ **

"I can't say 'no', can I.. ah, I just don't want to seem like a self-absorbed prick for everyone who just came here."

**_omg doyoung, no_ **

**_literally no one is going to think that_ **

**_we're the ones asking you to_ **

**_you're too humble sometimes_ **

**_kun11xd: You said you take donations, right?_ **

Shocked with realization after reading kun11xd's reply, Doyoung covered his mouth after a sharp gasp escaped him.  
  
"Oh, God, no, you don't have to donate for that! I'll sing for you without payment.."

That certainly hadn't been the point he was trying to get across when he denied their requests, heat began creeping up his neck once more.

Two more messages from kun11xd popped up in the chat window.

**_kun11xd: I'm sorry, that wasn't what I meant_ **

**_kun11xd: I know how hard it is as a student, I want to help_ **

Doyoung smiled into the camera and chuckled lightly, shaking his head.

"That's.. so nice, but.. I mean, of course you can if you want, but you really don't have to. You said you're studying yourself, keep your money and I'll sing for you now~"

Doyoung cleared his throat and gave another humbled look into the camera before adjusting his microphone.

Being his go-to pick, he chose to sing his favorite song 'Beautiful' like many times before.

He pushed his chair further away from the table and closed his eyes; the quiet room soon filled with the soft sound of his own voice.

The words never failed to touch him everytime he sang them. They reminded him of images of happy couples and couples who, despite their love, couldn't stay together. It made him feel satisfaction and heartbreak all at once.

Doyoung wasn't particularly well-versed in relationships himself, having only tried less than a handful, semi-serious ones. There had never been anything dramatic about them, they were barely worth mentioning.

Sometimes he craved the intensity of emotions a deep relationship would bring, that feeling being amplified by the song.

As the song came to an end and he sang the final lines, he heard the sound of a donation chiming in. He smiled, but paid it no mind until he finished singing, his eyes remaining closed.

The notification had disappeared under all the following comments of complimenting Doyoung and spamming clapping emojis and hearts.

His smile brightened as he read each comment, he silently thanked them with a shy nod of his head, voice now too unstable with overwhelming gratitude to verbalize it - how ironic.

It was like a switch was flipped when Doyoung scrolled further up the chat to see any messages he may have missed, discovering the donation he had ignored until now.

 ** _kun11xd_** _donated_ ** _$1500_** _! Thank you!_

Doyoung pulled himself closer to his screen, closely looking at the number and trying to comprehend the sheer amount of money he had just received.

 _This must be a mistake_ , he thought and still couldn't get a word out, instead looking into the camera with pure horror written across his features.

"I- Uh, Kun, right? Your- your donation, I'm sure something went wrong. It says $1500, that's.. that's a couple zeros too many."

While he spoke, he tried looking if there were any settings that would allow him to return the money. He wasn't sure if such an option existed, he had never had something like this happen to him before. The donations he usually got rarely exceeded two figures, 50 at most and even that was difficult for him to accept.

More messages came flooding in.

**_WHAT_ **

**_omg kun what O.O_ **

**_are you serious? $1500, really?_ **

**_wooahhhh_ **

None of them were from the one who donated. Doyoung's palms began feeling clammy and there was an awful sensation of nervousness creeping up his throat. He asked again.

"Kun, if you could please contact me through my email? Please, mail me and I can return the money."

**_kun11xd: I don't want it back_ **

**_kun11xd: It wasn't a mistake_ **

**_kun11xd: I really agree with you about flying_ **

There still was no one for him to look at, Doyoung stared at his screen in disbelief. He didn't know what the thick sense of fear he felt in that moment meant or why it was there at all, all he knew was that whatever was happening, was beginning to scare him.

"What? No, I won't- I can't take this. This is way too much. Please, contact me."

**_kun11xd: Sometimes I just want to let go, too_ **

**_kun11xd: I really wish I could fly and forget everything else_ **

The messages coming in weren't answering his questions at all and it looked like everyone else who had been bantering with them earlier was now keeping quiet.

Doyoung almost ignored the words as he fumbled with his mouse to look for another way to contact kun11xd. His restless frown was apparent on the stream and he might've cared to turn the camera off or reassure his viewers that everything was fine had it not been for the unusual circumstances.

**_kun11xd: Don't worry about it, please_ **

**_kun11xd: You can just continue with your stream_ **

**_kun11xd: I'm sorry for causing trouble, but it's really okay_ **

"It's.. too much, I honestly can't accept this much money."

**_are you rich or something?_ **

_Good question_ , Doyoung thought. Maybe he was just some rich kid, who was looking for a place to dump his money. Maybe Doyoung was just telling himself that to feel better about it.

**_kun11xd: No, that's pretty much all I have right now_ **

**_kun11xd: I won't need it anymore._ **

"Okay, stop. Stop. Please, this isn't okay. My mail is right there, contact me now, please."

Doyoung lifted his hands from the keyboard and rubbed them over his face, desperately trying to sort his thoughts. There was no way he'd keep the money, he couldn't accept such a large sum for doing practically nothing but singing one song. And what was even more confusing was that the person sending it to him wasn't even a viewer.

Just some stranger who stumbled into the stream and dropped it onto him like it was nothing.

 _Seriously_ , he thought, _what's this guy thinking?_

**_who would've thought this would happen tonight_ **

**_i thought this was supposed to be chill_ **

**_this reaalllyy escalated_ **

**_kun11xd: I'll leave soon anyway, please don't mind me_ **

**_kun is really something huh_ **

The pit in his stomach grew with every new text in the chat. Whatever was going on, whoever 'Kun' was, Doyoung was in no state to understand his cryptic, vague messages.

Surely there must be more to it, but everything Kun said seemed to have this air of calmness and carelessness to it, like he really didn't care what happened to his money. 

People are nice, some people are even _really_ nice. But Doyoung had a hard time understanding why anyone would be _this_ nice.

Doyoung pinched his nose bridge and tried not to read into it.

It had barely been an hour since he started, but Doyoung couldn't fathom keeping the stream going any further. The only one stopping him was 'Kun'. Just as he was about to start begging him to say anything to stop the storm going on his mind, to tell him that it was all just some sort of joke, there was a new mail in his inbox.

Doyoung breathed out a relieved sigh after confirming, as much as he could with his limited information, that it indeed seemed to be from someone named 'Kun'.

He quickly closed his inbox and directed his attention back to his livestream.

"I.. think I'll need to turn off the stream now, everyone. Hopefully we can continue soon, alright? See you then."

**_awwww noo_ **

**_shame, but i'll be back!_ **

**_me too_ **

**_ughhh bye_ **

**_kun11xd: I'm sorry, I just wanted to talk to someone one more time._ **

Doyoung blinked at the words. The viewer count began dropping steadily and soon there was no one else but Kun. Now left alone with the person who managed to turn the entire stream upside down with his first visit, Doyoung's anxiety reached its peak.

He waited a few more seconds for him to leave, knowing he was fully visible on Kun's screen as he stared at his monitor, waiting for the last viewer to leave. His eyes darted to his own image on the screen and back to the viewer count; he realized Kun wasn't going anywhere.

Doyoung sat back in his chair and kept looking into the camera, urging Kun to say something but using the time to come up with something to say himself at the same time.

**_kun11xd: I didn't mean to ruin your stream_ **

**_kun11xd: I thought I was helping_ **

Doyoung barely read the words, he crossed his arms and kept quiet as he thought about what kind of outrageous situation he found himself in. He shook his head in thought before he went back to staring holes into his camera, hoping Kun was taking his gaze seriously on the other end.

"Why did you donate so much? You have no idea who I am, you just came in."

**_kun11xd: Please don't end it._ **

"Why not?"

**_kun11xd: Because I don't want to go._ **

"Go where?"

An entire minute passed with no answer. 

Doyoung frowned.

_I don't want to go._

And Doyoung kept frowning, his mind unable to put the pieces together.

He began scrolling through the chat history, looking for the few messages Kun had left.

_..want to let go.._

_..won't need it anymore.._

_..talk one more time.._

_I don't want to go._

Doyoung froze. With everything he could've thought of, the most prominent possibility in his mind made his blood run cold. He stuttered and closed his mouth, surely he was wrong and the person in the stream was just joking around. He was hesitant in the way he looked back onto the screen, not knowing what to say.

His heart felt like it was going to pop out of his chest, his mind began racing with thoughts of what he was supposed to do. He wasn't prepared for any of this, he didn't even know who he was dealing with, this wasn't any of his business.

**_kun11xd: I'm really sorry I dragged you into this_ **

**_kun11xd: I just chose a random stream to watch before I do it_ **

It was left unspoken, but Kun's words only supported Doyoung's theory. Still, he chose to ask, taking one step too far, completely aware that he was getting himself into a part of someone's life he had no right to belong in.

"Do what, Kun?"

He brought his fingers up to his mouth, chewing on his nails as he waited for the dreaded reply. Doyoung was still hoping it was something else, that he just misunderstood.

**_kun11xd: You seem like you understood. I'm sorry._ **

Doyoung couldn't hide the way his face fell and how he put his head in his hands. The fear from before had proven to be justified and Doyoung didn't know why it had to be him, why he had to be the random streamer Kun chose.

His hands had started trembling long ago, his entire frame now joining them as his body shook in fright. His despair was on full display for Kun to see.

**_kun11xd: I donated the money because I won't have any use for it_ **

**_kun11xd: I thought the person would be happy about it and move on_ **

**_kun11xd: I didn't think anyone would question it_ **

**_kun11xd: I would've waited for the stream to end_ **

**_kun11xd: You really don't need to listen to any of this, I'm sorry again, I'll leave now_ **

Doyoung's head shot up after reading his last messages and his hands gripped his desk. Letting him leave, putting this behind him seemed like the most reasonable thing to do, considering he wasn't qualified in any way to help someone struggling like this.

Naturally, Doyoung urged him to stay.

"You said you didn't want to go."

**_kun11xd: I don't_ **

Doyoung's bottom lip continued to suffer the assault of his teeth, biting on it like it'd save anyone's life. His fingers kept trembling as he brought his hand up to run through his hair, inhaling deeply and visibly. 

"If I end this now, will you talk to me? That was your mail earlier, wasn't it?"

He clasped his hands together in his lap, more to ground himself than anything else, and focused on the chat.

**_kun11xd: It was_ **

**_kun11xd: But this shouldn't have been your concern, you don't know me either_ **

"I choose to be concerned. You came here to talk, let's talk."

Being the only one on camera in a two-way conversation was slowly proving to become harder and harder for Doyoung and even worse when Kun left him in silence for minutes on end that felt like eternity.

He had begun fidgeting nervously with his mouse, impatiently clicking nothing when the next message popped up.

**_kun11xd: Okay._ **

The tension that had numbed his muscles slowly released and, before he stopped the stream completely, he opened up his inbox again to answer the last mail.

"I replied to your mail. You're still there?"

**_kun11xd: Yes. Thank you for doing this._ **

Unsure of what to say, Doyoung nodded and waved him goodbye.

All Doyoung wanted to do after the stream was crawl into his bed and never come out again. He struggled to contain the tears in his eyes, chewing on his bottom lip as he tried to take in the turn of events.

The quick pace of his heart hadn't calmed, his mind still no less foggy than before, but it didn't matter when he saw a new notification in his mailbox.

**_From: Qian Kun_ **

_I don't know what to say to you. I'm just sorry you're dealing with this now._

Against his better judgement, Kun's words were breaking his heart. None of this was his responsibility, maybe he shouldn't have pushed Kun, he could've let it go and taken the money. Then he wouldn't have had to have known what he now knew. He wasn't sure if he liked the idea of it.

The part of his brain that desperately wanted to help and save the world only kept feeding off the underlying sadness in Kun's messages.

**_To: Qian Kun_ **

_I'm glad you agreed to talking to me. I'm not sure how much I'll be able to help, I've never done anything like this before._

_You said I don't know you, so let me get to know you a bit and we'll go from there._

_Is that alright with you?_

** _From: Qian Kun_ **

_Thank you, I know this is incredibly strange and I honestly don't know why you're accommodating me. But thank you so much._

_I don't have much to say about myself. My name is Qian Kun. I study Vocal Performance in Korea, but I'm from China. I don't have any siblings, my parents don't live here, so I live on my own. I have a few close friends, but we can’t meet up often because they’re in different schools._

_Please tell me when this gets too overwhelming for you. I never wanted to put anyone into this situation, but please be straightforward when you want me to stop mailing you._

Doyoung breathed out another sigh and got up from his desk to turn off the lights and blow out the candles he had lit earlier. He stretched his arms out, walked in a circle around the room in a sorry attempt to clear his head. He noticed the rain had stopped, the droplets still visible on the window's glass and sat back down.

He tapped his fingers against the keys, ghosting over them without typing. When he had thought of the right words to say and sent the message off, he slumped further into his chair and listened to the voice in his head that told him to be careful. For Kun's _and_ his own sake.

He reminded himself to stay level-headed and keep a safe distance.

** _To: Qian Kun_ **

_I'll let you know if that happens, don't worry about anything else right now. You can also tell me if you want me to stop at any point._

_I hope you like it in Korea, I think it's really cool that you're studying here. You already mentioned Vocal Performance earlier. What do you want to do after you graduate? Do you like singing a lot?_

_I'd love to write my own music and become an actual singer one day._

As the message awaited its reply, Doyoung wondered who the person on the receiving end was truly like. The brief description he got could do no justice to any person's life and experiences, he wondered what he was like as a friend, as a son and a student; what his life was like and what got him to the point they were at. 

** _From: Qian Kun_ **

_I really don't understand why you're so nice._

_I'm not sure, I didn't think about much of an 'after'. Maybe I'd become a vocal teacher. I don't know if I'd have the courage to sing in front of an audience, but I really do love singing. It makes me happy like nothing else._

_I admire your ambitious dreams, I really hope it'll work out for you._

** _To: Qian Kun_ **

_I want to be, that's why and that's that._

_I'm sure you'd make a great teacher one day, you should try and pursue that. Who knows, even if you don't step onstage yourself, you might teach someone who'll be a star._

_If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, but I just wanted to ask how you're feeling. I won't pry, if you'd rather ignore it completely, we can talk casually again._

It could've been Doyoung's brain trying to rationalize the situation, but he could’ve sworn there was longing in the way Kun typed. What he was longing for, Doyoung could only assume.

**_From: Qian Kun_ **

_That's something nice to think about. It'd be gratifying to help someone else improve their skills and become well-known._

_I don't mind, I would've had to explain myself sooner or later after I completely took up a stranger's entire night to talk about my own issues._

_I was really exhausted when I first entered your stream, but I kept getting more and more scared the more I saw everyone chatting happily with you._

In a different room, in another part of the city, Kun sat in his bed, in the darkness of his own room as his shaky fingers typed out cautious replies on his laptop. Dried tears stained his cheeks, the light of the monitor irritating his reddened, puffy eyes even further. 

He pulled the blanket he had placed around himself over his shoulders and in front of his face, hiding himself in the soft fabric. His hands felt the slightest bit less clammy, the racing in his mind slowing down by a fraction, but the nagging thoughts and queasiness continued to keep him on edge. 

Back in Doyoung's room, he folded his legs under himself on his chair as he typed out a question to Kun's words. Doyoung hoped he was beginning to finally get a better understanding of the situation.

**_To: Qian Kun_ **

_Did you feel scared because you realized you might not want to do it?_

The frown was evident on Kun's face, he fiddled with the corner of his blanket and stared at the question. He wasn't sure if he hated whatever possessed him to take Doyoung up on his offer to talk or not.

The decision didn't get easier once he remembered that he brought it upon himself.

**_From: Qian Kun_ **

_I don't know. Maybe._

_I'm not sure what I'm feeling or why I'm feeling it. Sad sounds like an understatement, I don't know how else to describe it though. But I think I was waiting for something to stop me. Maybe I wouldn't have done it all, I might've been too much of a coward after all._

_Thinking about it right now, it seems so silly. I'm fine, I have everything I need, everything I could wish for. I have friends who care about me, I don't struggle financially, I have a roof over my head. I don't know why I wanted to give up._

Explaining it to someone, a complete stranger, made him feel an array of emotions he didn't exactly welcome. It made him feel small and vulnerable, it felt relieving and liberating at the same time. _What am I doing,_ he thought, _why am I doing this?_

If he couldn't get himself out of the deep well he fell into, how was a stranger going to drag him out of it?

**_To: Qian Kun_ **

_I hope I don't offend or hurt you, I just want to say I'm glad you didn't do anything._

_If you were feeling that desperate, I don't think it's fair to yourself to downplay what you felt. I don't want to speak on it too much, it's really not my place, but if I can be of any help, I'll try my best to lend you a hand._

_And I'd like to start by giving you your money back. It's yours and you'll need it. Right?_

The implication behind that last simple word was one Doyoung wrote with caution. The severity of the situation hadn't quite sunk in for him, he couldn't bring himself to address the elephant in the room, calling it out by its name. 

He upheld the hope that he wouldn't need to, he wished Kun would confirm it.

**_From: Qian Kun_ **

_Right. I might need it after all._

_I'm so sorry for everything tonight._

Doyoung could've melted into a puddle of goo right then and there. Every fibre of his body, every muscle that had frozen in place in the light of stress seemed to release all at once and he might've slipped off his chair had it not been for the tight grip he had on his mouse and keyboard. 

Relief now clouded his eyes and a tear or two may have played a part in that.

Doyoung threw his head back and quickly wiped the tears away, he clenched his hands into fists and released them, repeating the process over and over again before he could take a deep breath and rid himself of the remaining tension fully.

He guessed it was a normal response to being confronted with such a blatant display of someone else's misery and most intimate thoughts, yet it somehow felt more personal than it should have.

Once Doyoung had returned the money to its rightful owner, he reassured Kun and hoped he took his words to heart.

**_To: Qian Kun_ **

_You have nothing to apologize for, it's okay._

_I'm happy to have met you, Kun._

The smile on his face felt wrong, but Doyoung chose not to care as his smile grew. The burden that had just been lifted off of his shoulders was of immeasurable weight.

And while Doyoung recovered from the intensity of the storm he was just caught in, Kun kept hurting.

The sincere expression of words did nothing to cause joy, instead shaking up an ugly part of Kun's brain. Before it could evolve into something even worse, Kun managed to take the reins long enough and swiftly type out the next message.

**_To: Kim Doyoung_ **

_Thank you for talking to me tonight, I'm happy to have met you too, Doyoung._

He might still not be okay, he might still feel the pain that had been there all along, but, despite everything, he'd go to sleep that night and hear his alarm clock the next morning. If only one more time, it didn’t matter.

-

When his phone rang to wake him up for the day, it was just as unpleasant as it had always been.

Kun rubbed his face in front of the mirror, inspecting the consequences the past night left under his eyes. 

The hollow shadow under them and the unusually vibrant red rim around his lids would be hard to hide, but it wasn't like he didn't have an arsenal of excuses to make up for them if anyone asked.

Kun gripped the edges of the cold sink and stood in the tiny bathroom of the equally tiny apartment he rented. He wondered if he'd ever be able to leave the place that had been home to all of his struggles, he wondered how much longer he’d stay.

He shook his head and reverted his attention back to his pale reflection in the mirror. He reluctantly splashed his face with water and brushed his teeth, cursing himself inwardly for making such a big deal out of a perfectly average morning routine. On the other hand, his inner voice laughed as he prepared himself for another day of college he hadn't thought he'd witness, brushing his hair like he hadn't thought of leaving his life behind the night prior.

When he went back to his room, he saw an unread mail on his phone. He had half a mind to know no one else besides Doyoung would mail him, but he still picked the phone up with caution. Why would he message him so early? Why would he message him at all?

**_From: Kim Doyoung_ **

_Good morning! I hope you don’t mind me writing to you this early, but it’s either too early or too late with school and work in the way._

_Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and wish you a good day today._

_You don’t have to reply anymore if you don’t feel like it. I hope things will get better for you regardless of if we’ll stay in contact._

He sat down on the edge of his bed as he read the message and it might’ve been the grogginess of having just woken up, but he felt like he wasn’t registering the words at all. He read them over and over again to convince himself that Doyoung mailed him early in the morning for the sole purpose of greeting him and wishing him a nice day.

Kun began to type hesitantly, unsure of if he’d be able to hold a conversation after exposing himself so desperately in front of him in their past exchange of messages.

**_To: Kim Doyoung_ **

_Good morning. Of course, I understand. It’s okay really._

_Thank you for reaching out again, I hope today will be a good day for both of us._

_I wasn’t sure how you felt, but I’d like it if we talked every now and then._

He cringed at the words internally, but they were honest. He didn't know where the courage or the willingness came from, whether it was something like a ‘last hooray’, but it was there and he wasn't going to waste it.

**_From: Kim Doyoung_ **

_That’s great! I’d really like that too. No pressure, obviously._

_I’ve been meaning to ask, but I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. You can just ignore it if you don’t want to answer, but is there any chance we go to the same college?_

When Doyoung told him about the college he went to, Kun felt terrified and excited simultaneously. 

It was a small world they lived in indeed, but he wasn’t sure if he liked the thought of possibly running into the boy who witnessed him in his most vulnerable moment. The fact that the other didn’t know what he looked like did little to reassure him, he was sure he’d make it known if he ever noticed Doyoung’s face on campus. Making a fool out of himself was one of his specialties after all.

Reminding himself of the time, Kun left his phone with the message abandoned on his nightstand while he got dressed and packed his bag for the day, picking it up only to lock it and slide it in his pocket.

He tugged his hair into place, giving up on it soon after realizing it wouldn’t cooperate, and grabbed his coat on his way out the door.

Rushing to make it to class on time, even walking in the halls again, Kun felt out of place. He wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place, who would’ve cared if he had shown up late or hadn’t shown up at all?

The thoughts of the past night and his conversations with Doyoung lingered on his mind the entire day. It kept him on his toes when he walked from one practice room to the other, every head of smooth black hair startled him and kept him hoping it wouldn’t turn out to be a voice he heard before.

And he thought _please, oh please, can this day end_ when his friends invited him out for lunch.

“We haven’t had much time to see each other lately, let’s eat together”, Sicheng had said to him and it took everything Kun had to at least give him a small smile. 

Ten and Sicheng looked at him expectantly and he couldn’t resist their genuine eyes and agreed in the end, the least he could do for them.

The mandatory banter of catching up was strangling Kun alive, as much as he really cared about their lives and how they were doing, while he tried not to let anything on in his face, though he knew his friends would always see through him.

“You don’t seem yourself, is everything okay?”

He stirred his tea and looked at the youngest of the bunch, offering him an exhausted grin alongside a shrug of his shoulders.

“It’s fine, I’m just a bit tired lately.”

And he knew neither of them bought it. Both of them had been there for him at his worst and even without the knowledge of recent events, they could tell he was nowhere near fine.

Ten pressed his lips into a tight line and looked at him like a sad little kitten, like he’d do anything to make him feel better and it comforted Kun just a tad.

Sicheng, on the other hand, had an apparent frown on his face. He looked like he was already going through every possible solution he knew of to help Kun. The amount of concentration he needed to come up with a way to make Kun’s worries disappear showed and he found it absolutely endearing.

Before the younger could voice a conclusion of his efforts, Kun waved his hand at him and laughed.

“I know you’re worried and I really appreciate it, okay? But don’t worry too much, it’s.. it’ll get better, I’m sure.”

They couldn’t look more unconvinced if they tried, as much as they both wanted to believe it. They were too aware of Kun always taking the role of their silent older brother and wished he’d be more open about everything he was clearly struggling with.

Sicheng only sighed and it was Ten’s turn to speak.

“Will you tell us when you need our help? Because we know you’d rather not, but if it gets too hard to bear, you should know we’d be there in a heartbeat.”

Their genuine willingness to help tugged at Kun’s heartstrings and he knew the moment he was alone again, he’d beat himself up over not trusting them more. They didn’t deserve him moping around as payback for being the most considerate people he’s ever met, it made him sick.

Kun nodded silently, there wasn’t much left for him to do as his friends offered their unconditional support and all he did was take it and make empty promises with a nod of his head.

He didn’t know what it would take for him to pick up the phone to call either of them and say _‘I need your help’_. Kun didn’t want to think about if he’d get to figure it out one day.

He hugged them both goodbye, sensing their embraces were much tighter than they usually would’ve been, another sign of their concern for him and it pained him even more.

He went all the way back to school and hoped to find an empty practice room to play on the piano for a bit, an excuse for him to procrastinate going home and being trapped with no one but himself. He preferred dragging his time outside of his apartment out and spending it semi-productively, unable to remember the last time he touched his keyboard at home. For whatever reason, he kept his music - his biggest passion - at school.

Like many times before, he found himself playing and writing songs that would never see the light of day for as long as he could before he was forced to go home.

The sky was tinted dark grey by that point and the thick band of clouds all around accompanied him on his way back. The recurring idea of piercing through them with no care in the world for anything else kept itself hidden in the back of his consciousness.

All thoughts of Doyoung had vanished during lunch with his friends without him noticing and they all came back to him when he kicked his shoes off and unlocked his phone.

He let out a silent curse, realizing he hadn’t replied to his question. He quickly dropped his bag and coat to sit at his desk and open his laptop. A fraction of his brain looked forward to talking to the other again, but the dominant part chose not to acknowledge it.

**_To: Kim Doyoung_ **

_Hi, I completely forgot to reply before I left the house. I’m sorry._

_But yes, it looks like we’re going to the same school. I don’t recall ever seeing you though._

_I’m sorry about the late reply again, I hope you had a good day._

Kun leaned back in his seat with a deep inhale, like he had just accomplished a day’s work, and immediately, his mind started racing again.

_What if he wanted to meet? What if he knew who he was? What if he wanted to exchange numbers?_

What mattered didn’t seem to be the answers to those questions, Kun preferred dwelling on the questions and how terrifying he wanted them to sound rather than how terrifying he would’ve found them if he could give himself the permission to feel anything but fear.

His downward spiral threatened to yank him down into places he’d grown too familiar to, places he hated and couldn’t avoid all the same. Right on cue, another notification popped up.

**_From: Kim Doyoung_ **

_It’s okay, I hope your day was good too!_

_What a small world, huh? That’s so cool though, I was so curious after you mentioned what you were studying, so I just had to know. Thank you for telling me. :)_

Kun sat in his chair and stared at the screen in anticipation, waiting for another mail to follow up. After a few minutes, he furrowed his brows together.

_That’s it?_

He had been so sure there would be more, but when there wasn’t, his fears being left unconfirmed, he had no idea how to react.

Composing his next message to Doyoung took him longer than he would’ve liked. What he wanted to ask was why Doyoung was being the way he was, why he did what he did for him and didn’t seem to demand anything from him.

Everything he was afraid of contradicted everything that Doyoung was saying to him and Kun refused to accept it and take it for what it was: a person being nice and having basic human decency. He waited for any sign of hostility, like he wanted Doyoung to drag him through the mud and take back everything he did for him and said to him.

Because at least then he wouldn’t have to deal with the guilt that was beginning to eat him up from the inside, about why he was wasting so much of his time. About why he couldn’t have just shut his mouth and not been a coward. It was his foolishness and desperation that went begging Doyoung to keep him there that night and make him stay when he had already decided he wouldn’t.

With his head in his hands, shoulders starting to shake, no words made it into the mail.

Whatever he typed, he deleted again. The longer he sat, the more he felt like his insides were on fire, like he’d throw up any second. Tears blurred his sight, he could barely make out Doyoung’s last message that was still up in the corner of his screen. The innocent smiley and kind words, Kun thought about how lucky Doyoung’s friends were to have him in their lives. If he wasted so much time on a stranger, he could be nothing short of an angel towards the people he actually loved.

There was nothing Kun could do to make himself feel like less of a pile of self-pity and guilt - and he hated and hated the state of himself - but he mustered up the strength to at least not leave Doyoung hanging.

 _I’ve already given up,_ he thought, _how much worse can it get?_

**_To: Kim Doyoung_ **

_You’re welcome._

_I was actually wondering, and there’s no pressure, so just say so if you don’t want to, but do you think we could meet up some time?_

_I don’t want to insert myself into your life all of a sudden, we’re strangers after all, I just thought maybe we could become friends? I understand if this is too pushy or intrusive, there’s really no need for you to do any of this after all._

_I really hope you don’t mind me asking this, I’m really sorry if this is too much._

And there it was, the moment he clicked 'send', he was hit with the wave of realization of what he had just done. It was like bad choices clung to him, drawn to him like moths to an open flame.

The panic left him no time before it hit him full force and he was covering his face like the mail would just disappear if he didn’t look at it. Right, he could just shut his laptop off, throw it out his window and he’d never have to worry about it ever again.

He couldn’t consider the idea seriously, Doyoung’s reply came quicker than he thought. 

Like a child, he peeked from in between his fingers to shield himself from the oh-so vicious words he feared Doyoung would leave him.

**_From: Kim Doyoung_ **

_Okay, sure :)_

_When are you free? We could have dinner together, that way we wouldn’t have to worry about school. But I’m totally up for lunch too, if that makes you more comfortable!_

_I’m so excited! I wanted to ask you before actually, but I figured you probably had enough on your plate as it is. So I’m really happy you want to meet!_

Kun was sure he would’ve melted into the ground out of embarrassment if Doyoung could have seen the look on his face while reading the message. He put his hands down and the restless pace of his heart accelerated. He opened his mouth, closed it and opened it again, he might’ve thought trying to speak out loud would give him any idea how to reply, but unsurprisingly, it didn’t.

Kun shook his hands and pushed his hair back, composing himself as best as he could.

He had allowed himself one faux pas too many for the day. He had used up his supply of bravery for an entire year, a dinner would exceed the already exceeded limit, so, lunch it was. 

**_To: Kim Doyoung_ **

_You really want to? Thank you so much, I’m really glad._

_I’d like to get lunch, maybe on Wednesday? Is that okay?_

_A bad idea_ , Kun thought, _an incredibly bad idea_. His brain must’ve switched to auto-pilot, letting conscious and responsible Kun watch from the sidelines.

**_From: Kim Doyoung_ **

_Of course, I want to!_

_And yes, that works for me. Is there anywhere you’d like to go? I know a really good seafood place, but they do meat and vegetarian too. What do you think?_

**_To: Kim Doyoung_ **

_That sounds nice, I’d like that._

_Where is it?_

**_From: Kim Doyoung_ **

_I’ll send you the address below! But talking about it, maybe we could exchange numbers? Just so it’s easier to plan, mailing is a bit slow. But we can stay on here if you’d prefer that._

_Either way, I’m excited to meet you, I’m sure we’ll get along great._

With everything he’s already said to him, Kun only flinched a little at the offer. His fingers hovered over the keys for a split second and after that, he was completely sure. There was nothing left for him to lose, he’d have to go through with. 

**_To: Kim Doyoung_ **

_I’ll send you my number. We would’ve exchanged them sooner or later, so it’s only natural._

_I surely hope we can be friends, but you’re a really kind person. I wouldn’t put it against you if you didn’t want to be._

**_From: Kim Doyoung_ **

_I’m serious, you really didn’t have to if you didn’t want to. You don’t owe me anything. I won’t add your number if you don’t want me to, but thank you for sending it to me anyway._

_You should give yourself some credit, you’ve been really nice all this time. I like talking to you, so I know I’ll like being your friend._

The sensation down his back almost felt like a shiver and the warmth took him aback; Kun wasn’t sure if he liked that feeling yet, but he knew it wasn’t entirely unpleasant. Anything over the perpetual flow of his inner voice’s words that made him want to gag.

**_To: Kim Doyoung_ **

_It’s okay, you can add me. You’re really thoughtful and I appreciate it a lot, thank you._

_It’s making me feel a lot better about all of this, I mean it._

**_From: Kim Doyoung_ **

_I’m glad you’re comfortable, I’ll text you in a minute so you can add me too!_

_This is probably my last mail to you then, it was kinda fun talking like this. But it’ll be way more fun once we get to know each other a bit more :)_

Kun prepared to write one more message to him, but his phone vibrated with a message from an unknown number. He smiled to himself, for the first time in a while.

**+000 000 000**

* * *

hiii, guess who I am

you wouldn’t happen to be a doyoung, right?

i’ve been caught!

sorry :P a serious hello now!

hello

texting is a bit more casual

tell me if i get too out of line

but i tend to joke around a lot

especially when im nervous

that’s fine

i like it

That may have been the worst reply he could’ve come up with - ‘i like it’ - but what was one more embarrassment for the day? Or his life, for that matter?

Doyoung’s light-hearted banter was contagious, he thought he might even manage not to ruin the mood. High stakes, but perhaps achievable, despite the person he was.

**Kim Doyoung**

* * *

i like it

i’m glad to hear that then

anyway i actually have to go now

i’ll see you soon then

I should get going too

yes, until then

goodnight!

Goodnight

-

The day of their meeting could not have taken longer to arrive. Kun didn’t realize he had been waiting for it until he found himself staring at the clock for three entire minutes, expecting the time to suddenly make a jump.

The feeling in his stomach was a mix of both excitement and utter horror. He was, in fact, waiting to meet someone he knew practically nothing about, but who knew too much about him, or rather, one particular fact about him that was way too intimate. Somehow strangers and somehow also the closest friends.

Kun was sure Doyoung most likely considered him to be nothing to him and he couldn’t quite say that he felt the same about Doyoung.

That was a thought for another day. For now, he had someone to meet.

Kun spent the hour before their lunch walking around campus, telling himself he was taking a walk to pass the time, when he was really just looking for any way, for anything to take his mind off what he was about to do.

The queasy feeling in his stomach returned and suddenly he wasn’t so sure anymore. The brave Kun from a couple of days ago had hidden away in the shadows, leaving vulnerable, anxious Kun out to fend for himself in a mess the other one created. He felt it this time, his body protesting against the whole idea, telling him how stupid he was.

Ignoring it, he looked at the time on his phone, it was less than twenty minutes before he had to go and meet Doyoung.

_Is it too late to cancel?_

He shook his hands along with his head. It was too late to flake, he wouldn’t leave him hanging now, not after he fought off every thought of anything else ever since they made the plans.

The mild autumn weather left no excuses for him either, the light breeze and soft rays of sunshine piercing the clouds laid out the perfect conditions for a casual meetup between two people, unfortunately for Kun.

He pulled his coat tighter around himself, adjusting his scarf that was mostly acting as a crutch for him to hide his face into if he wanted, serving no purpose other than making him feel hotter than he needed to be.

He finally left the school, making his way to the place Doyoung had recommended. Getting lost would be a convenient way to get out of the situation, but Doyoung had already told him the exact directions, along with the offer of guiding him over the phone if he really couldn’t find it.

None of that had been necessary anyway, he knew exactly where to find the place, even though he’d never been inside himself. He may have really ran out of excuses.

His anxiety grew with every step towards the restaurant, he pulled his scarf higher up his face as every fibre in his body screamed _‘turn around, turn around and leave while you can’._

Not that it would matter, but Kun was secretly hoping that he’d get there before Doyoung, maybe he could just pretend he didn’t see Doyoung and he’d go away-

No. He’d stay, he’d introduce himself and meet Doyoung. He repeated it to himself like a mantra up until he entered the restaurant; he wouldn’t mess it up.

It was just his luck that, upon stepping through the entrance, he was instantly met with the sight of the black-haired young man at the counter, chatting with someone. The place wasn’t overly busy, save for a couple or two at two of the tables, he was hard to miss.

Seeing Doyoung in real life was everything his brain needed to yank the anxiety up to the absolute max. All of the blood in his body either rushed to his head or completely drained out of it, one of the two.

Doyoung seemed to have noticed someone entering from the corner of his eye and turned to face him. 

He was much taller than he had expected, his features, now in broad daylight and not under fairy lights through a camera, looked much sharper and his stance did nothing but underline the intimidating aura he had that made Kun’s heart sink.

Kun’s first instinct was to bolt straight out of the door. Instead, he put on his best smile and extended his right hand as he stepped closer:

“Hello, I’m Kun.”

Doyoung’s blank expression changed immediately, it was like night and day when he took his hand with one of the brightest, gummy smiles he’s ever seen.

“Oh, hello, I’m Doyoung!”

Kun was still fighting his first instinct, he couldn’t help it, even as Doyoung was pointing to the man behind the counter, introducing him as the owner, apparently his dad’s friend? Kun barely focused on the words, he was still staring at Doyoung like a scared cat.

If Doyoung noticed, he didn’t comment on it, but only led Kun to a free table.

“Did you find here okay?” He asked as they sat down together.

Kun reluctantly removed his safety scarf and shrugged off his coat.

“Yes, I had no trouble. Thank you again for the directions,” Kun said, scratching up and down his thigh under the table in an effort to calm himself, while his face let nothing on.

Doyoung’s wide smile softened the blow of it all by a substantial amount in Kun’s mind, glad that the other seemed to be more outgoing than him to ease the flow of the conversation. It didn’t feel nearly as awkward as it could have.

“So, how are you?”

His inner voice groaned at what was about to come: a whole lot of smalltalk. 

“I’m good, my classes were pretty bearable today at least. What about you?”

Doyoung placed both his forearms on the table, leaning forward as he looked at Kun, listening intently to everything he said.

“That sounds wonderful, I just had a gruelling hour of vocal practice with my teacher. I hope I don’t sound hoarse or something.”

Doyoung answered and put a hand to his throat, laughing with an exaggerated cough.

“You don’t, you sound just fine. Who were you practicing with?”

Doyoung began telling him about his teacher and what they had done at practice, Kun folded his hands together and nodded along.

“He’s an incredibly good one, I’m really happy whenever I get to practice with him. He probably also knows how much we all love him, everyone tries to be his favorite student.”

“Not to brag, but he told me once that _I_ was his favorite. Okay, _technically_ , he said that everyone’s his favorite, but that’s besides the point.” 

He replied with a grin, like they had been friends for years, and Kun was fascinated by how easy it was to talk to him; not the first time he noticed it. Their shared love of music, going to the same college and knowing the same teachers contributed to it to a certain extent, establishing a bond as fellow musicians at the very least.

“Anyway, do you want to order? They have practically anything you could want,” Doyoung asked and opened one of the two menus, handing the other to Kun. 

Kun read over all the different options, more as a way of occupying himself for an appropriate amount of time until he could go for a safe food option he knew he wouldn’t regret paying for.

“I’m not sure, I might just have a beef bowl with rice.”

“Not very adventurous, are we?”

The way Doyoung spoke and invited Kun into his light and comforting bubble made it easy for him to giggle at the comment and treat it like it was nothing more than playful banter. Which it was, as opposed to a personal insult against him, which is how he would’ve interpreted it any other given time.

“I’m having jjamppong, it’s a spicy seafood soup with noodles. You can try some of mine if you want once we get our food.”

Intrigued, but not enough to expand his palette, Kun politely declined, earning a shrug from the other.

“You’re missing out, but that’s fine. I'm sure you'll change your mind once it gets here.”

Doyoung tried to sound sophisticated and smug, but failed miserably and laughed it off in the end.

They received their food soon after, thanks to lack of other customers, and Kun thought to himself that the hardest part of this had yet to come.

Doyoung kept chatting as they waited and with the extra time to overanalyze, as Kun loved to do, he started to sense that maybe Doyoung was not as extroverted as he portrayed himself to be.

Kun noticed the constant movement of his fingers against the table, saw his eyes dart from one spot to another and even the odd, sheepish neck scratch. He recognized the patterns and almost felt relieved to know that he wasn’t the only one who had been nervous about the entire ordeal.

A different part of him felt grateful, because it was blatantly obvious that Doyoung was trying his best and putting in a lot of effort to keep the conversation flowing, wanting to play it as cool as possible, like Kun hadn’t caught his leg continuously bouncing up and down under the table.

He smiled at him, wanting to be able to find the words to tell him that he felt just as strange about it and that it was okay, but he couldn’t. So he kept smiling, kindly nodding along and asking a few questions of his own, as to not let Doyoung be the only one holding up the conversation.

Kun must’ve gotten lost in thought, because the next time his eyes focused, he was met with Doyoung’s own expectant ones, realizing he still hadn’t taken a bite from his bowl.

“I asked if you wanted to try some of mine now? You’ll like it, I’m sure of it! It’s really good.”

Kun couldn’t even finish his hesitant nod, when Doyoung swiftly picked up the unused fork next to his bowl, swirling some of the noodles onto it. Then, he held it up to his face and blew on it gingerly, before looking back up into Kun’s face and almost dropping the fork.

“Oh, uh, sorry, I didn’t realize what I was doing--”

“It’s fine,” Kun cut him off and took the fork from him, grinning at the indignant look on Doyoung’s face. 

He grimaced when the spice first hit his tongue, but it dulled soon enough and he came to realize that it might not have been as bad as he had expected.

“Okay, fine, it’s pretty good,” Kun admitted reluctantly, while Doyoung’s triumphant grin grew unbelievably.

“I told you, I eat here all the time and anything they make is delicious.”

Out of pride, he declined the next bite Doyoung offered him and dug into his own bowl, while Doyoung teased him for pretending not to absolutely love the seafood soup.

“Your rice and meat may be nice, but it can’t keep up with my _gourmet_ dish.”

“Sure, ‘gourmet’.”

“You’re one to talk.”

Kun laughed at the playful, accusatory look on Doyoung’s face, eventually roping him along with his laughter. Doyoung’s was deep and hearty, getting higher towards the end, as Kun could practically see the joy vibrating through his body, making his broad shoulders quake. It may have been admiration, it may have been something else, something equally warm passing through Kun’s belly. Or maybe it was just the spice from the jjampong.

Kun felt like a giddy 5th grader all over again, making jokes that would be less humorous with another person, hunching over in laughter like they were really worth it. 

Either way, between soft giggles and mischievous jokes, they were done with their meal before they knew it. And Kun wondered if they even talked about anything at all for the, what felt like, five minutes they’ve been hanging out. 

Doyoung was getting started on a story on how his voice kept cracking during practice one day, when the waiter arrived at their table and cleared their plates before coming back.

“I hope you enjoyed your first time here,” the waiter said to Kun, catching him off guard.

He looked over to Doyoung, who answered his questioning glance with a smile and shrug of his shoulders. Kun shook his head and raised his brows at him, only deepening the other’s smile.

Doyoung began fumbling for his wallet in the pocket of his jacket and looked back up at the waiter, still smiling:

“I’ll pay, for both.”

Kun froze in the middle of retrieving his own wallet and frowned at Doyoung.

“What? No, I asked you to meet in the first place, I’ll get it.”

“No~ _I’ll_ get it,” Doyoung singsonged and pulled a few bills out, while Kun tried to beat him to it. The waiter hesitantly put out his hand, pulled it back again and brought it forward again, as they kept shoving their own money around in front of each other.

Doyoung gently pushed Kun’s fist clenching the money back towards him with the palm of his free hand, mustering him with genuine, doe eyes.

“I’ll get it now, you can get it next time, alright?”

Kun stopped himself from repeating his words out loud just in time, watching Doyoung’s content expression as hummed, paying for both of their meals.

_Next time?_

He huffed, to his own dismay, like a petulant child, and crossed his arms in front of his chest, glaring at Doyoung all at the same time. Wherever all this courage had emerged from, Kun didn’t want to jinx it.

“I’ll.. hold you up to that.”

The picture perfect smile Doyoung sent his way wasn’t a surprise by now, the wink he sent his way was, and Kun couldn’t keep the straight face on much longer with it capturing all of his attention.

Kun felt his face flush and his lips parted to speak, but the words got caught in his throat. Doyoung’s expression twisted into one of amusement in the meantime.

“I’d hope so. We should probably get going, right?”

Words not yet ready to leave his lips again, Kun simply nodded and gathered his belongings, putting on his coat and sighing in relief as he wrapped the scarf around his neck again.

“Are you going back to campus? I can walk back with you,” Doyoung said, acting all nonchalant as Kun made sure to notice, when they stepped out onto the streets filled with red and yellow leaves.

“Actually, yeah. I was thinking I could practice a bit more. You really don’t have to come with me, though.”

They walked down the sidewalk together and Kun clutched the strap of his bag over his shoulder when Doyoung bumped into him slightly.

“It’s fine for me, unless you don’t want me to.”

Kun pursed his lips in thought, tapping against the strap with the tips of his fingers, kicking the colorful leaves with his feet.

“Let’s walk together for a bit then, we can.. talk a bit more.”

Doyoung had pushed his hands inside the pockets of his jacket as they took on the walk back to school.

Diligently fulfilling his self-proclaimed duty of filling the silence with friendly banter, Doyoung spoke up. They picked up where the waiter had interrupted Doyoung’s story and, like clockwork, the rest happened naturally, answers and questions about the other rolling off each other’s tongues like it was the easiest thing in the world.

Doyoung brought up singing and how it had always been his dream, Kun found it endearing to listen to his voice become softer and quieter when he described his hopeful future plans. He had almost forgotten how he hadn’t thought he’d be able to plan ahead for anything a few days ago, his smile while watching Doyoung faltered for a split second.

During their meal, Doyoung hadn’t brought up anything even remotely about the night they met. He didn't ask, he didn't imply; all he did was treat him like he was simply a new friend, he didn’t reduce him to the messy bundle of emotions he had exposed himself as.

Kun had done better than he would’ve thought, keeping the screeching pain at bay for the entirety of a meet up he almost hadn’t shown up to out of fear. It came back to him, gnawing at the edges of his frame, his fingers, making him shake his hands for the nth time that day, discreet enough for Doyoung not to notice.

He had desperately hoped the blissful ignorance would last, the novelty of meeting someone new not wearing off as soon as it did, but it was just his luck. Another lie he told himself, like luck had anything to do with him and his sorrow. It was all his own doing and it would continue to haunt him, no matter what.

He forced his eyes up to meet Doyoung’s, who stumbled over his words the moment their eyes met. Doyoung pressed his lips into a tight line as he looked at Kun and the latter was at a loss trying to read the expression on his face. They kept up their pace, but the chattering ceased and Kun felt the silence weighing on him, along with the deafening screams in his mind.

He nuzzled his face into the soft fabric of his scarf, a dizzying feeling creeping up his throat. He brought a hand up to rub at his eyes, scratching at the corner of one and sneaking a glance at Doyoung, who kept his eyes trained on the ground.

Thankfully, the campus came into his sight soon and he would’ve sighed in relief had he not been feeling as sick as he was.

And that alone suffocated him further, because he wished he could’ve repressed the thoughts at least up until he parted ways with Doyoung; he wished he could’ve kept the baggage to himself, because Doyoung was just nice enough to put up with him and didn’t deserve to have it unloaded onto him again. Who was Kun to dump his issues onto someone else without considering their own? Why couldn’t he have just ignored Doyoung when he asked what his name was and let him live his life in peace? Who even was Kun?

Close to voicing those thoughts out loud, he was glad Doyoung stopped in front of him just in time as they reached the school.

And there was the look on his face again, the one that Kun couldn’t define, as he felt like he was being stared down by him.

“So, I know the circumstances weren’t ideal, but I still wanted to say that I really appreciate that you met me today. I hope we’ll see each other around more, I’d really like to keep in touch," Doyoung spoke with ease, beaming at Kun.

 _I had a lot of fun talking to you, I wish I could be your friend without feeling like all I do is burden you. As much as I wanted to run away, I couldn’t be more thankful for everything you’ve done for me and you’ve barely known me three days. I wish this could’ve been normal, I hate that I ever entered and ruined your night that day, but thank you for being patient and offering your time and kind words_ , was what Kun wanted to say.

“I hope so too” was what he said instead.

He couldn’t fathom unleashing the sheer amount of words he had to say onto Doyoung, reminding himself they were acquaintances at best, only for the past couple of hours at that.

Doyoung seemed content with his reply despite it all, smiling at him warmly one last time. But he seemed hesitant as he stood in front of him rubbing the tip of his shoe against the ground. Maybe he expected Kun to bid his goodbye first, but something told him Doyoung had more to say. For the first time, Doyoung looked like the unsure one and retired the confident smile and inviting persona for the last minutes of their meeting.

He shifted on his feet, lacking every bit of overtness he had shown before, resembling the image Kun had of himself in his mind as he sucked in his lower lip and avoided Kun’s face.

“I didn’t want to bring it up and I know it must be weird for you to hear it from me, but you can text me anytime you want, for whatever reason. I really mean anything.”

The smile that appeared on Kun’s face was so completely unfitting and involuntary, he almost felt the need to hide it under his scarf. It scared him, how it appeared without any real emotion to back it up.

He chuckled lightly nonetheless, quickly reassuring him.

“I really do appreciate it. It was so nice of you to talk and eat with me, I’d love to hangout again.” 

Considering the state he found himself in, the words he managed to get out made him feel a bit more accomplished, especially when they were rewarded with another smile.

“Oh, I also wanted to ask, what are you going to practice for?” Doyoung asked, eyes bright.

“I don’t know, I’m just.. writing this and that.”

“Can I hear someday?”

“Sure, some day.”

-

To Doyoung’s surprise, Kun had been the first to contact him again after their last meet up.

He thought he had been too pushy, too intrusive with the well-intended offer of his company, he was almost afraid he scared him off.

But Kun had messaged him, repeating his thanks and expressed his desire to meet again and talk to him, which Doyoung wasn't going to decline.

For the following weeks, they built up a steady friendship. Doyoung would use his spare time in between classes to either text Kun or creep up on him from behind in the halls, eliciting a light slap to his arm every single time. 

He was glad to see Kun, who he learned was only a month older than him, open up to him little by little, day by day. As sceptical as he had first been, they got along wonderfully and he got to learn more about Kun through the increased time they kept spending together. 

His streams on the weekends were still going strong, though he found it hard not to think of what had happened when he looked at the messages in the chat; it was like he expected Kun's username to appear again, but it never happened.

The ones who had been there the first time Kun had joined his stream curiously asked him about ‘that one guy that came in and donated all his money’ every so often and Doyoung didn’t have it in himself to tell the truth, switching the topic instead. It didn’t fool anyone, he knew they knew there must be something going on, but they’d eventually stop asking.

Among the ones asking were also his own friends.

Taeyong, being the ever so caring best friend he was, had gotten wind of what had gone down and wanted to know everything about it, making sure to mention that he was noticing Doyoung’s seemingly distracted behavior.

There was no heat behind the way he asked, but rather an amused glint in his eyes as he noted the notifications chiming in on his phone whenever their different schedules aligned, allowing them to hangout. 

And it wasn’t like Doyoung was trying to hide Kun’s existence or their friendship. He was simply trying not to make a big deal of it, always aware of the circumstances they met in and wanting to give Kun space, sparing him from the prodding questions and nudges he knew he’d get once he met his friends.

He knew all too well that, along with Taeyong, he had Donghyuck, Johnny and Yuta to worry about, none of them above interrogating his new friend. They had met Kun, but only after Doyoung warned them and told them to behave. He wanted to say they had listened to him, but he couldn’t pretend he didn’t see their mischievous grins, Kun’s included, when he came back after leaving for the bathroom once. He sighed, grateful for Mark and Jaehyun’s indifferent attempts at shielding him from them.

He chuckled to himself thinking about his friends’ antics as he laid in bed, replying to Kun’s last message. 

**Kun >◜◡◝<**

* * *

okay, but i still know how to make better soup than you

what would you know about soup

you were the one who opted for the most BASIC of options when we first met

while i had the best seafood soup ever

and you also had the audacity to pretend that you were satisfied with it

after trying mine

you’re insufferable

i bet i can make that soup but better

ooh i’d love to see you try qian palette-of-a-five-year-old kun

i know you don’t believe that yourself

maybe, my point still stands

and i hope you know this means im coming over tonight

to eat my soup?

after all this?

ready or not, i’ll be there at 8

With freshly made, self-imposed plans, Doyoung laughed at his own texts, picturing the look on Kun’s face.

The latter didn’t reply right away, leaving Doyoung to scroll through their previous messages, watching them get progressively more reserved as he scrolled further back in time and then more playful and casual again when he scrolled back down to their recent conversation.

He would have never thought they’d become such close friends, with Kun teasing him just as much as any of his other friends would. Doyoung noted that Kun turned out to be a lot different than he thought in a lot of ways.

Kun was mature, but loved joking around like a kid.

Kun was shy, but could navigate any situation with strangers if he had to with the utmost ease.

Kun was talented, but rarely ever displayed his talent in front of anyone but his teachers.

Kun was sad, but he managed by himself.

The last one made him frown and, since he had met him, he couldn’t shake the thought off. Initiating a conversation to talk about Kun’s most desperate point proved to be just as hard as he expected. Somehow, it was easier to comfort him as a stranger, than it was as his friend.

It made sense when he thought about it. Kun had friends, really really close friends he treasured, he described them with only the warmest and most loving words, and Doyoung couldn’t imagine they hadn’t been trying to help him. He had met both Sicheng and Ten and knew they were the best friends anyone could ask for, even he developed a soft spot for the two of them when they began hanging out more often.

The issue wasn’t that Kun didn’t have anyone, Doyoung began to understand; it was that he had somehow convinced himself that he’d be able to get through anything and everything by himself. Which was only partially true: Kun was independent, he was smart and able to adapt to his surroundings, he looked like the perfect student with his whole life planned out.

But Doyoung doubted he didn’t ever feel lonely as he hurt on his own, without anyone at his side. Back when he told him about what he would’ve done the night they met, Kun’s mind seemed to have changed after Doyoung had been close to stopping his stream.

Because Kun didn’t visit the platform he was on for nothing. Doyoung realized quickly, Kun had said so in his own words, he had been looking for a sign, he wanted someone to stop him. And while Doyoung knew none of it had been his responsibility, he still felt some type of relief that it was his stream that Kun stumbled into that night.

Everything he could do, apart from keeping his mind occupied with mundane topics to talk about, was to be there for him. The last bit, making the decision to get help, was the one Kun had to make on his own.

Doyoung hoped he’d get to see Kun take that last step by himself, no matter if sooner or later. As long as it happened.

Shaking himself out of his thoughts, he brought his attention back to the open chat.

**Kun >◜◡◝<**

* * *

sicheng and ten are here too

they said they’ll stay so we can eat together

omg my baby sicheng is there?

i’m going to pretend i didn’t read that - ten

sicheng says he’s excited to see you again

me too, wait for me and i’ll save you from them

youre coming to my home to eat..

change of plans, im only coming for sicheng

:) - sicheng

I’m not letting them take my phone again

don’t be late, okay?

yes yes, i know, i’ll be on time

After killing the time cleaning his room and finishing up some work, Doyoung got ready and stepped outside. He stopped at a bakery on his way to Kun’s to get dessert, knowing his sweet tooth. He bought two slices of cheesecake for Kun, a good portion of tiramisu for Sicheng and, of course, Ten’s favorite, the fruitiest mini tarts he could get. He’d hide the chocolate cake he actually got for him until Ten threatened his life.

He hummed to himself when he stepped out of the shop, clutching the bag of sweets gingerly as he walked the rest of the way to Kun’s apartment.

When he knocked at the door, it wasn’t Kun who opened, but Sicheng, with Ten peeking over his shoulder. He pointedly directed his smile solely towards Sicheng as he entered and ignored Ten’s whining.

After shrugging off his jacket and following Sicheng and Ten to the living room, he heard Kun call a greeting from the kitchen. The whole place smelled incredible, he didn’t know if he’d give Kun the satisfaction of telling him that yet.

“I picked up dessert on the way here. I got you all your favorites, of course,” he said as they sat down and he began pulling out the small boxes out of the bag.

“Thank you, hyung,” Sicheng said as sweetly as ever, but quickly removed himself from the spot right between the other boys to join Kun in the kitchen, knowing their bickering would start soon.

“Look what I got for you.”

“You’re up to no good, as always,” Ten narrowed his eyes at him as he opened the box Doyoung handed to him with the least convincing poker face anyone’s ever seen.

Ten looked inside to see all the different kinds of cut up fruit, getting a whiff of the intensely sugared pastry at the same time. He closed the box again, putting it on the table and stared at Doyoung, showing him the deadliest smile.

“I love you too.”

While Doyoung burst out in laughter, Ten closed the space between them and attacked his torso with pinches and featherweight punches.

“You just got here and you’re already making a mess,” Kun said when he finally emerged from the kitchen, Sicheng waddling behind him and trying to suppress his own laughter.

Doyoung stood up to greet him properly, poking the dimple that showed when Kun smiled at him.

“Hi, I’m merely being a friendly dinner guest, I even brought peace offerings, but _someone_ didn’t like them.”

He spoke with a pout and linked his arm together with one of Kun’s, making Ten cross his arms.

“He brought me fruit tarts!”

Kun sighed and walked over to pick up the bag with the sweets to carry to the kitchen.

“He got you chocolate cake, calm down.”

Ten deflated visibly, only now making note of the remaining box in the bag. Sicheng giggled and sat next to his friend, wrapping an arm around Ten.

“Doyoung-hyung remembers everything. I feel bad for not knowing anyone’s favorite foods.”

“You don’t need to, you’re forgiven.”

Doyoung knew he was pouring it on thick for Sicheng, he had nothing to say in his defense either: he simply loved teasing them. He had stopped referring to them as ‘Kun’s friends’ long ago, treating them like his own best friends.

“Stop it already and help me carry everything to the table,” Kun called out again and they jumped into action, helping set the table in the living room.

The steaming pot of soup in the middle and the desserts at a further corner on the table, they filled up their bowls and began to eat.

Doyoung lifted his chopsticks, watching the noodles rise up all the way up to his face. He could smell the spice and felt his mouth begin to water. He didn’t regret accusing Kun of having a basic palette even after eating, because it had gotten Kun to cook him something that was indeed better than anything he had ever gotten from any restaurant.

“It’s really good, I admit,” he confessed as he dove in for seconds.

Kun raised an eyebrow at him, clearly amused and unconvinced.

“Just ‘really good?’”

“...”

“Admit how much you love Kun’s cooking, Doyoung, come on,” Ten urged and nudged him with his elbow.

“He already knows that I do.”

His sincere words elicited a gentler smile from Kun as the latter sheepishly shook his head and reminded him to finish his bowl before it got cold.

“I haven’t had it in a while, so thank you again,” Sicheng mumbled as he dug into his tiramisu after they had finished eating, smiling contently with his mouth full across the table and Kun seeming equally happy next to him with his own dessert. 

Doyoung had the fruit tarts in front of him and cut one of them in half to pick up with his fork. Feeling guilty for making Doyoung eat something he wouldn’t want to eat himself, Ten offered him some of his own cake, which the other declined gratefully, laughing around his mouthful as he stroked a hand down his back.

Kun watched their little exchange, smiling to himself as he picked at his cheesecake. Doyoung turned out to be exactly the person he had expected. Funny, caring, smart and thoughtful to an otherworldly degree. Joking around with Kun’s own best friends, remembering what they liked and going out of his way to buy them their favorite sweets; he doubted he’d meet anyone else that could come close to the person Doyoung was.

With his presence in his life, he felt like the world and his own emotions went the tiniest bit easier on him. The kind gestures Doyoung didn’t seem to think twice about made an entire world’s difference to him, maybe they made him want to become a better person himself.

He didn't know if Doyoung was the sole purpose for it, but only that the fight against himself, in the dark of the night, with no one else to see, got a bit more bearable. It still lurked in the back of his head, made him anxious and shake his hands to get rid of the prickling sensation, but having an additional source of energy and love in his life during the day, who could brighten up any rainy day with his endless optimism and encouragement still made a difference in Kun's life, giving him something more to look forward to everyday. 

Doyoung’s soft and gentle actions, expressions and words had an indescribable healing effect, not only on him, but apparently on everyone around him. Taeyong had once told him how much of a pushover Doyoung could be at times when it came to making everyone around him as comfortable as he possibly could. His first and foremost priority was adapting to the people around him and balancing their energy, which Kun experienced first hand.

He thought about how hard that must be, constantly giving and giving; he was too generous for his own good.

Kun hoped he could appropriately thank Doyoung for everything one day. 

“You like him, don’t you?”

Apparently that question was for him, Kun startled when he focused on the face of the boy seated across from him. He had barely noticed Doyoung excusing himself from the table and to the bathroom.

“Doyoung? Of course I like him.”

Ten rolled his eyes and leaned over the table, forearms firmly planted down.

“No, I mean, you _really_ like him.”

Sicheng shoved lightly at Ten’s shoulder, wordlessly telling him to give him space, but the other simply shrugged and continued his interrogation. 

Kun looked between the both of them, unsure as he tapped his fingers against the table.

“I.. don’t know. I haven’t thought about it that way.” 

“Okay, so you definitely do.”

“I didn’t say that.”

Putting his face into his hands, Ten sighed and rubbed at his temples, exaggerating every bit of it. Sicheng put a soothing hand on Kun’s arm and smiled at him apologetically.

“Kun, he’s such a good person. He obviously really likes you too. I know you’re just friends, and that’s amazing, I’m just trying to say.. he’d be so good for you. He’s like everything anyone could ever want.”

“.. I’m sad to say, I agree. You know we usually wouldn’t meddle with this stuff, but we also know you. We can tell how happy you’ve been ever since you two met, we’ve never seen you act like this. In a good way,” Sicheng agreed in his usual soft tone and put an arm around Kun when he saw the defeated expression on his face.

“I don’t- I’m not sure if we’d work out _that way_. He just wanted to help, he never tried pursuing me in any way.”

“Well, yeah, that’s why he’s perfect. He’s respectful and understanding. Listen, of course you can be friends and leave it at that, that’s completely fine. You’d still be happy,” Ten added as he stood up and pulled his chair up to sit next to him, propping his elbow up on the table and resting his face in his palm.

“I think he’s just saying that you two seem to understand each other better than anyone else, in a different way, you know? You don’t have to be a couple, but it might really be worth trying to see if there’s something else for you two.”

“Exactly,” Ten started, “there doesn’t have to be anything more, but trying won’t hurt. You always have these romantic and poetic ideas about love and the world, Doyoung is the only one who seems to agree with you.”

He finished his sentence and jokingly imitated a gag talking about the romantic Kun was, to which the older stuck his tongue out at him. Ending up giggling and with both his friends pressing up against him from either side, he patted them both on their thighs and pushed them off as they wrapped themselves around his neck, cooing and pursing their lips in an attempt to kiss him.

“Okay, okay, I’ll think about it. Thank you, both of you.”

Their group hug and shushed giggles were followed by Doyoung’s footsteps approaching the living room again. He entered to see Kun struggle against his friends’ ministrations, who briefly caught a glance of him and basically begged for his help with his eyes.

“I left for barely five minutes, what’s going on here?” He laughed, walking over to pinch Ten’s cheek.

The latter whined and stood up from his seat, pinching Doyoung’s cheek himself.

“You’re just jealous we’re not hugging you,” he said with a cheeky grin and Kun and Sicheng visibly disagreed, quite literally, behind his back.

“If ‘we’ is Sicheng, then yes.”

Ten glared at him, wrapping his arms around his neck instead in protest, more of a chokehold than anything else as Doyoung struggled to free himself.

“Ugh, just say so if you want to hug me.”

Doyoung pretended to push Ten away again, while simultaneously pulling him closer into a hug.

The other two smiled at them fondly and Sicheng squeezed Kun’s shoulder in silent encouragement as he stood up and began clearing the table.

“We know you became best friends within the first two weeks of knowing each other, stop pretending you’re not and help us clean.”

At his command, they joined him in cleaning the table. Ten and Sicheng carried the dishes away, muttering under their breaths in between sneaky giggles.

Doyoung paid them no mind and picked up the boxes to throw in the trash, bumping Kun’s shoulder as the other picked up the now emptied pot.

“Thank you for cooking tonight, it was more than ‘really good’. It was perfect.”

There was the slightest trace of a pink hue staining Kun’s cheeks and he nodded gratefully, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he practically beamed at Doyoung.

“Anytime. I’m glad you liked it.”

Doyoung reciprocated the gentle expression and walked off to put the crushed boxes into the trash, the smile never fading.

-

A couple of months into their friendship and they were inseparable.

They had gone from meeting between classes and the odd study date, to practicing together and walking each other home almost daily.

Watching Kun at the piano, accompanying him as he sang, was like seeing an entirely new side of him. Even after months of knowing each other and sharing the same major, he had yet to hear Kun sing or practice. He’d always offer to play the accompanying parts to Doyoung’s songs, but he never invited him to practice with him.

Doyoung didn’t know if he was uncomfortable having him listen or if he just wasn’t confident enough, either way, the idea of them singing together was planted in his brain somewhere along the lines.

And he kept thinking about it, about how Kun had asked him to sing that night, about how much Kun said singing was the only thing that made him truly happy. But for now, in the crammed practice room that was only meant for one person, he sang along to the notes he was playing and was content.

“Here, this part should be sharper, it was a bit flat,” Kun said as he pointed to the sheet of music with the tip of his pencil.

“Okay, anything else, boss?”

Kun rolled his eyes, his dimples showing when he circled the note Doyoung needed to work on. 

“I think it should be more like this,” Kun started and sang the beginning of the song in the way he described it to Doyoung. The latter nodded, secretly pleased to have gotten a demonstration from Kun himself. 

He repeated the phrase, finding himself to be indeed more satisfied after applying Kun’s correction. Kun unconsciously gave a nod of approval as they went through the rest of the piece, joining him in certain parts; the closest they had gotten to singing together.

Doyoung remembered how Kun had told him he wanted to become a teacher and he whole-heartedly agreed. His strict feedback brought out the perfectionist side of him Doyoung had gotten to witness more than once in their time of knowing each other. His methods of explaining musical theories and portraying the vision he had in mind for the pieces they practiced were clear and encapsulated the most complex concepts in the simplest words.

He appreciated his honest, but nonetheless kind manner of suggesting improvements. Kun’s passion for music shone through the way he described the notes, the way he explained his own views and opinions on the melodies.

He thought Kun was only wasting his time studying at an ordinary college; his intelligence deserved a higher and wider audience, but Doyoung was also sure Kun would protest against the idea. Then again, Doyoung often thought Kun to be deserving of more than what was offered to him, which the latter lived to deny; it was their common dynamic.

Doyoung cringed when he thought about the possibility of Kun not being there, not sitting there playing music for him like his very own teacher. He was grateful he got to spend the nights studying and practicing with him, working towards their common dream. He was glad that Kun would be able to become an actual vocal teacher after all.

They went through the song multiple times, until Doyoung’s voice was hoarse and Kun’s fingers sore. The latter stretched his arms out, taking note of the late time.

“We should probably get going.”

Doyoung yawned in silent agreement and they packed up their bags to get ready to leave.

“I’ll walk you home,” Doyoung stated, like it was the most natural thing; which it was.

“No, you should go home and get some rest. We’ve been practicing a lot, you did well.”

But Doyoung shook his head and held the door of the practice room open for him to exit first, eliciting a defeated sigh from Kun, who muttered a quiet ‘thank you’ along with something else that Doyoung was sure was nagging directed towards him. He mustered him fondly as they left the room, taking in Kun’s flattened out hair against his forehead and tired eyes, not too concerned with hiding his infatuated looks at this time of the day and state of exhaustion.

The sky outside was now tinted a deep black, clear as ever with an occasional star appearing somewhere in its entire width. They stepped into the cold breeze of the evening, which made Kun tug his scarf higher and Doyoung walk closer to him.

They walked in silence, an odd car passing by them every so often reminding them of the lives outside their own. Doyoung put his hands into his pockets, trying to keep them warm, while Kun nuzzled his face further into his scarf; one of his little habits Doyoung came to adore more and more over time.

 _Cute_ , he thought and refused to dwell on it further.

Kun’s face went from focusing on the road to a more restless back and forth between the ground and the path straight up ahead. Doyoung was about to comment on it when Kun beat him to it.

“What did you think back when I first joined your stream for the first time?”

Doyoung furrowed his brows together, looking up to see Kun’s thoughtful gaze trained on the ground. That was one question he didn’t expect. He looked back down at his own feet, humming to himself as he thought of an answer. 

“Well, I’m not really sure.. I wasn’t exactly prepared for what was about to come, I didn’t think much. I think I just focused on figuring out what was going on in the moment and taking it from there.”

The sound of the chuckle that came out of the other’s mouth, that carried no real joy whatsoever, made Doyoung’s chest ache. He looked hurt, kind of in the way he had imagined him to look while he told him about his pain and struggles over the numerous mails they exchanged that first night.

Doyoung wanted to get his attention, make him look at him while they continued on their walk, but he found himself unable to lift even one of his hands or open his mouth to do so.

“I kept thinking about why you kept wanting to talk to me. I felt useless and I don’t even know why, I was so overwhelmed by my own brain. Who would’ve thought we’d end up being friends?”

The change of atmosphere was palpable. Whether Doyoung expected this to come up was debatable; he may have only felt surprised at the timing, knowing deep down that it’d come up at some point. Whether he was ready or not, was clear.

“I didn’t plan on it, that’s for sure. I’m still glad we did become friends,” Doyoung began, “it was difficult for me to find things to say and.. I still don’t know what to say.”

He threw a quick glance at Kun, who had gone back to looking straight ahead, avoiding Doyoung’s searching eyes. Doyoung took it as his sign to continue.

“I had so many questions. I wanted to know why you were having such a rough time, why you ended up in my chat, what I could do, what I was supposed to say,” he said and reminisced about that day, feeling almost as lost and confused as he had felt then.

“You never asked any of them. And I appreciated it. I still do. You weren’t trying to save me, but you still did,” Kun added, his breath getting more raggedy as he took his next steps. He briefly pulled his hands out of his pockets, shaking them and stretching his fingers, before returning them back to where they were.

Doyoung frowned and shook his head, mainly to himself as Kun still made no effort to look at him. The streets seemed to get quieter, the temperature seemed to drop further, there were sounds of distant chatter coming from the apartment complex they just passed.

“No, that wasn’t me. I didn’t change your mind by asking about yourself and talking to you. You said so yourself, you said you probably wouldn’t have done it anyway.

You made the decision to seek something out to prolong the night, you made the decision to talk to me and you made the decision to stay. I barely did anything, Kun.”

For what felt like the first time in eternity, Kun turned to face him. And his answer came in the form of a shy grin, his eyes turning into crescent moons. Doyoung stood no chance against that expression, he could’ve hugged the living daylights out of him in that moment, but continued to move along with him instead.

“I was planning on actually talking to someone before that day, like a professional. Maybe that would’ve helped?” Kun asked, knowing it wasn’t a question anymore.

“Why didn’t you?”

“I don’t know, procrastination?”

Doyoung huffed out a laugh in disbelief, clicking his tongue at him. Kun kicked a tiny rock under his feet, right in front of Doyoung, who kicked it away and directed his attention back to him. His sincerity remained the same way Kun first experienced it. 

“Do you still want to talk to someone?” Doyoung asked, his features appearing more innocent than ever.

“I think so.”

“I’m glad.”

Kun’s eyes crinkled up, dimple as prominent as ever. He held their eye contact and Doyoung’s gummy smile beamed bright even under the night sky.

It was his turn to think, _cute_.

They had come all the way to Kun’s apartment, now standing face to face as Kun leaned against the door.

“Thank you for walking with me. Not just today,” he said, referring to numerous times Doyoung had walked him home. Even considering their friendship, he didn’t know why he insisted on doing it.

“You’re welcome.”

Kun began digging around in his bag for his keys, sliding one into the lock with the other hand on the door handle.

“Be careful on your way back, text me when you get home,” Kun demanded, like any other time before.

“Of course,” Doyoung agreed the same way he always did.

The time wasn’t getting any earlier, they had nothing else left to do. But Kun still didn’t push the door open, just like how Doyoung stood firmly in his place and made no move to turn away, looking into Kun’s face. 

It might’ve been the lack of lighting or maybe Kun’s ability to read his expressions had really gotten better, but he thought the gentle smile on his face let on more than Doyoung wanted it to. He mirrored him with a smile of his own and tilted his head playfully.

“Goodnight then, Doyoung.”

“Goodnight, Kun.”

Doyoung waved to him as he turned on his heels and Kun waved back, staring behind him after he was long gone.

He spun around again to open his door, finally turning the key as he thought of how wrong Doyoung was.

-

Doyoung made himself an integral part of Kun’s life and Kun let him.

He stood by his side wherever they went, he came over and asked Kun to hang out, he told him about his day and brought him food. He asked about his music and listened to everything he had to say. He treated Kun’s friends like family and asked them about Kun’s most ridiculous secrets. Even when he wasn’t there physically, laughing like the world didn’t matter, he was on Kun’s mind. 

But sometimes, he wasn’t. And when he wasn’t was the time Kun could truly feel how tired he was.

He was happy, he felt happy; surrounded by so many he loved and who loved him. He didn’t know what else he could wish for.

And yet, it was never right. In the still of the night, his energy to fight his thoughts was exhausted and left him boneless, chest heaving until all there was left were silent whimpers.

Kun reminded himself, he was loved. He should be happy, he needed to be happy. Why wasn’t he happy?

He ran around in circles every night, hoping to find an answer. After months, he was still looking. And his friends were still there, his music was there and he still couldn’t understand why he was wasting space on earth.

Maybe it was something he had to live with, he figured. Maybe it was just him who suffered so much and it was perfectly normal for others to feel the same way about their lives as he did. Maybe he was just weak and he was the one who willingly let himself be swept away by the dark waves his mind allowed to crash down onto him.

Kun thought that maybe that wasn’t too far off. Even Sicheng’s voice of reason, Ten’s selfless efforts and Doyoung’s smile wouldn’t change that, as much as he wanted it to.

It wasn’t Kun against the world - if only that had been the case. It wasn’t Kun standing on his own, trying to withstand the difficulties of life.

It was Kun against himself. There was no Kun who fought to protect himself, there was only Kun who thought he’d be better off somewhere else. Somewhere that wasn’t in this apartment, this country or even this timeline. If there was a parallel universe, one where he could stop thinking and feel like he belonged, he wanted to go there. He hoped Doyoung would be there too. Maybe not immediately, but one day.

His own notes on the piano became dull to his ears; he pressed key after key, wrote down line after line, but the paper never seemed to fill up, the music continuously landing on deaf ears. The passion he had followed all his life couldn’t stop the train of thoughts and suggestions of his brain either and Kun helplessly watched his last escape slip away, shaking his hands like it’d save his life.

Despite everything, he’d wrap his scarf around his neck, clench his fingers in the pockets of his coat and walk towards the bunch of giggling boys that were his beloved friends.

-

“Doyoung, come here. Look at this,” Kun called the other over, rolling towards him in his desk chair.

Doyoung took the sheets of paper from him as Kun wrapped an arm around his waist as to not roll away and watch Doyoung’s reaction.

“Is this yours?”

“Do you like it?”

The other flipped through the pages repeatedly, throwing a questioning look Kun’s way as he compared his face to the notes on the paper.

“I don’t know. Will you play it for me?”

“Sure, if you sing the lines.”

The widened eyes along with the raised brows made Kun grin, taking the sheets of music from him again to roll over to his keyboard.

“It goes like this, it’s not hard,” Kun said, setting up the notes for himself as he began to sing the first lines for Doyoung.

Doyoung, still dumbfounded, managed to make his legs carry him over to the back of Kun’s chair, leaning over his shoulder.

He started humming the tune first before trying out the lines Kun had shown him before. Kun giggled as he corrected Doyoung over and over again, singing along with him after the first lines.

Doyoung’s hands clung onto the back of Kun’s chair as he tried to sight-read the unfamiliar notes, his voice growing progressively more hesitant.

On one hand, he was singing with Kun, listening to his gentle voice sing in a way he’s never heard him sound before. Dream may be a strong word, but it was like one came true when the both of them filled Kun’s room with the music the older had written. It would’ve made Doyoung smile to himself as he kept on admiring Kun.

But the words written on the sheets of music occupied his mind. Every letter only added to the melancholic undertone of the next one, the words got progressively more heart-wrenching as he read on, his fingers gripped the chair harder. He thought he recognized someone between the lines, someone who sounded an awful lot like him.

The other didn’t seem to notice Doyoung tensing behind him as they sang the finishing lines together. Doyoung was still deep in thought when Kun spun around in his chair to show him a beaming smile.

“So? What do you think?”

His dimples on full display, eyes bright and sparkling innocently, Kun asked and eyed him expectantly. 

Doyoung looked back at him, but couldn’t do anything further. He stared into his face as his brain was trying to catch up.

Had Kun thought of him when he wrote his song? How much of it was artistic expression and how much of it were his own feelings?

The stories of endless suffering, lonely attempts at trying to crawl out of a dark pit and the final, seemingly happy ending of resolution and relief, it all sounded all too familiar to the story of a boy Doyoung had met a year ago.

He had almost missed the way Kun’s face fell and his smile turned into a pout when Doyoung didn’t answer him.

Continuing to lean against his chair, face impossibly close to Kun’s, the corners of Doyoung’s lips twitched before they stretched into a soft smile. 

“I love it.”

“Really?”

“It’s beautiful, Kun,” he started, “and I think there might be more people who’d love to hear this.”




“Hi everyone, it’s been a while!” Doyoung exclaimed happily when the first few dozen viewers tuned into his livestream.

His room was set up the usual way with candles and fairy lights in the background. For the first quiet Friday night he had in awhile, he sat in his chair with his camera and microphone in front of him, talking to strangers like he had done many times before.

The gentle noise of rain drops hitting his window acted as white noise, it made him feel calm, at ease.

Steadily, the chat began filling up with messages.

**_we missed youu_ **

**_i was worried >:(_ **

**_glad you’re back!_ **

**_hii, hope you’re well_ **

**_kun11xd: wow, you’re back!_ **

**_how are you doyoung!_ **

Doyoung smiled when he took note of a particular username among the others.

“I’m doing well, I hope you all are too. What have you guys been up to?” He asked as he watched all the different familiar and unfamiliar names pop up.

As he read the chat, he quickly glanced at the view count. Somewhere along the way, a few hundred more people had joined his streams, making for busier chats and more chaotic streams. He also came to realize, he didn’t mind. He didn’t necessarily want his channel to grow, but it was a nice change from his calmer day to day life when he read the outrageous stories his viewers told him.

**_waiting for more streams!!_ **

**_ugh idk, school’s really stressful :(_ **

**_for me too, work has been a lot lately_ **

**_aww sad chat today :(_ **

“Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that. Do you want me to do anything to make you feel better?”

He tried thinking of something to talk about; he hadn’t prepared a theme, ready to let the chat lead the conversations after the few weeks he’s been gone.

**_I’m not sure, I want something relaxing tonight_ **

**_me too, so much work has been going on for me_ **

**_agreed, i just wanna calm down for a bit_ **

**_we’re in safe hands with doyoung_ **

He hummed to himself, pretending to think about what he could do, as if he didn’t exactly know what he wanted to do.

“Actually, I have a new song you might like. It’s really wonderful and might help setting a calmer atmosphere. How about that?”

Doyoung focused on the new messages expectantly, hoping they were up for it. He thought to himself how ironic it was, suggesting to sing voluntarily when he had put up his best efforts against his viewers convincing him to sing for them just a year ago.

**you wrote a song??**

**yess pleaase**

**I didn’t know you wrote songs :o**

“No, it’s not my song, but it still is very special! Someone very important to me wrote it,” he replied, almost with pride, as he thought of that special someone. He ran his hand through his hair in anticipation to start singing.

**_yes yes please_ **

**_sing sing sing!_ **

**_we haven’t heard you sing in so loong_ **

**_oh, who wrote it?_ **

**_kun11xd: that sounds like a good idea_ **

He sneakily ignored the question of one person asking whose song it was. By that point, most of his viewers had forgotten about Kun, it didn’t take long for them to stop mentioning his name and that night. Still, he wouldn’t mention the name that popped up soon after the question, grinning into the camera when he read his encouragement.

Doyoung sat back in his chair and he was content. He began singing the lines he had practiced until he knew them by heart, he reminisced about the past months and was still content. 

The sound of rain trickling outside reminded him of the night he met Kun, the serene setting reminded him of the way he felt when he talked to Kun - the song was only another element that connected him to Kun. 

Thinking of the memories they had made together, his heart was full of gratitude. And he was sure it showed in the way he closed his eyes and curled his lips, all for Kun to see, as he sang the lines he had written with their bond in mind.

Kun’s talent would never fail to awe him. The emotion he wrote into the words, the same ones Doyoung hoped he was adequately portraying now, were subtle and yet so intense; he wished Kun knew how much more recognition it deserved, more than just a single performance on a stream with a few hundred people. 

Doyoung had begun swaying from side to side as he sang, knowing how many people were watching him and not caring at all. For the few minutes he sang, nothing else mattered.

The song was coming to an end, Doyoung reluctantly let the last words ring out. They were a good note to end on though, leaving his room in a comfortable silence along with the encouraging meaning of the ending.

Doyoung sighed, fading out into a soft laugh as he read the comments.

**_okay, you were right, that was AMAZING_ **

**_i’m not crying right now, not at all_ **

**_my heart.._ **

**_WHO wrote that_ **

**_I want to hug that person so bad_ **

He had to hold himself back from agreeing with the last one, he kept quiet as he imagined wrapping his arms around Kun and squeezing him until he couldn’t.

Among the compliments, two messages stood out. It made his heartbeat accelerate and bring the pink hue back to his face that he hoped wasn’t visible on screen. 

**_kun11xd: Sounds like whoever wrote it put a lot of thought and love into it._ **

**_kun11xd: You should sing this more often._ **

“They did. The amount of love in this resonates with the feeling I have for this person as well,” Doyoung spoke as confidently as he could, because it was true. Perhaps he wouldn’t have the courage to say it to his face anytime soon, but it was a start.

**_oohh ;)_ **

**_be honest,_ **

**_would you tell us if you got a girl or boyfriend?? :/_ **

**_‘if’ lol_ **

**_true, it’s a question of ‘when’!_ **

**_who wouldn’t want him as their boyfriend?_ **

**_kun11xd: I agree, Doyoung should get a boyfriend soon_ **

The shameless message elicited an indignant laugh from Doyoung who tried his best to hide his flushed face and shy expression. Just when he thought he knew him, Kun hit him with something new and Doyoung wouldn’t have expected that boldness from him in a million years. He wondered where it came from, but not enough to ask him about it.

“Soon, huh? Who knows, maybe I will.”

To the rest of the people watching, it was nothing more than an empty line, a playful joke. To one person, it was a confession. At least Doyoung hoped the implication came across, or maybe he didn’t - he was conflicted.

**_they should come to the stream too then_ **

**_yes, that’d be so cute!_ **

**_imagine if doyoung had a duet with them live~_ **

**_doyoung’s so embarrassed!!_ **

“All in due time, guys, all in due time.”

**_he just wants to change the topic ;)_ **

**_ok ok, we’ll be quiet_ **

**_let him do what he wants_ **

**_how was your day doyoung?_ **

Doyoung happily turned the stream around as he began talking about his day. Soon, the prior emotional air of their conversations disintegrated and they began talking about overdue assignments and snappy customers. 

Kun, snuggled up in his own bed in the dark, smiled at the face of the boy on his screen and hoped that, deep inside, every hour of the day, he was as happy as he looked.

○

 _What a beautiful day_ , Kun thought as the bright rays of sunshine lit up his room through his blinds.

He tidied his room, folded his clothes and threw out the trash. He made sure everything was in its rightful place, he plugged his electronics out and pushed his chair against his desk.

He took the sheets of music off his music stand and neatly stacked them on top of all over his other pieces, putting them into a binder which he kept on his shelf. 

The song he had written for Doyoung had its own special place, in a separate folder, along with a note in an envelope that had Doyoung’s name on it. He kept it on his desk, right next to two other envelopes, one with Sicheng’s and the other with Ten’s name on it.

When there was nothing else left for him to do, he went inside his bathroom. He didn’t know why he chose the bathroom, but it felt appropriate, for whatever reason.

He thought of Doyoung as he entered the small, white-tiled room. For no particular reason, his name simply popped up in his mind, as it tended to do.

And with it, the thought of many more memories came along.

Kun stood in front of his mirror, hands around the sink, as his mind started wandering off, like it was going through an archive of his memories and scattering them all over.

It reached from the time Kun donated all his money to a stranger, up until the moment Doyoung had hesitantly wrapped his fingers around Kun’s hand and stroked the back of it with his thumb just a few days ago. 

He remembered the in between just as well as Doyoung who, in his own apartment, stood in his kitchen, stirring a pan of vegetables. Just like how it had been for Kun, the thought of the other snuck up on him out of the blue.

Doyoung acknowledged the unusually mild and warm weather with a smile, as it reminded him of the walk back to their school after he had met Kun for the first time. He remembered how nervous he had been, the strange feeling in his stomach. He also remembered the many nights he laid in bed thinking about how grateful he was that it even happened in the first place, that he got to meet Kun and become someone he could rely on.

The smile stayed on his face, his trip down memory lane far from over. 

He almost burned his food as he emerged in memories of casual lunch dates and days of staying in watching bad rom-coms while they pretended the distance between them on the couch was intentional and wanted.

The supply of them dancing around each other was endless, one that kept expanding as neither Kun nor Doyoung had the courage to move forward. Accompanying that train of thought was his most recent interaction with Kun.

Taking his hand had been a bold move on Doyoung’s side, but in that moment, as he looked into Kun’s exhausted face, he couldn’t help it. They had been talking about nothing in particular, moreso sitting in company with each other, for no other reason than to spend time together. 

If Doyoung remembered correctly, they mentioned college and how it was getting more and more serious the closer they got to graduating. Doyoung had sensed Kun’s unease and probably thought something along the lines of ‘I wish I could carry your burden’ and showed it by stroking his hand gently.

 _It was silly_ , he thought, but he wasn’t sure if he regretted it. Maybe he would once Kun or any of his friends started teasing him about it another day.

The silly interactions didn’t stop there, in fact, it had only been one of many they made throughout their friendship. Doyoung recalled every single day he spent doing nothing but going on walks with Kun, cooking for Kun, listening to Kun play his music and sitting with Kun in silence.

It most likely went unnoticed by Kun, but every single day that passed, every minute they were together, made Doyoung realize how much he truly adored Kun and everything that was related to him in the slightest. Or rather, reassure him in his feelings for him.

He wondered if he’d be able to own up to those feelings and bury the tension between them which they preferred to keep unmentioned.

He kept smiling to himself as he sat down to eat and grinned only wider when he told himself how unbelievably cheesy it was that even the most mundane activities brightened up his entire week, as long as it was Kun he did them with.

As Doyoung fought to keep the corners of his lips down and repress the giddy feeling in his stomach, Kun stood firmly in his place in front of the mirror, one hand rustling through one of the drawers under the sink.

He had tried. If there was one thing he wanted his friends and anyone who cared to know, it was that he had tried to fight it.

And he wouldn’t ever take any of the time he spent with the people he loved for granted, he hoped they wouldn’t think he wasn’t grateful for everything they did for him and that they knew how happy he had felt with them.

But despite it all, despite how he clung onto the content feeling that appeared whenever he met Doyoung or Sicheng and Ten, whenever he sang the songs he wrote, it disappeared the moment he turned off his lights.

He tried so hard to fight the urge, he tried telling himself he wanted to live and he was convinced he believed it after holding onto it for so long. But the dominant parts of his mind knew he had made up his mind the night he talked to Doyoung, and once he made up his mind, it would take a miracle to change it.

Whatever the dark cloud above his head let rain down onto him every step of the way through his day, he found himself unable to shield himself from it; Kun couldn’t heal. He sighed as he accepted his defeat, turning his head towards the light.

What a beautiful day it was indeed. What a beautiful day to be alive for most, what a pity for Kun. Or maybe it wasn’t, who knew. 

The sun reflected onto the windows of the apartments around him, where others were on their balconies, chatting and laughing with family members, friends. 

The sun also reflected its light onto the blade in Kun’s hand through his small bathroom window.

Unlike his song, the one he had written for Doyoung, the one that saw light at the end of the gloomy tunnel, there was no pleasant resolution to this.

Kun didn’t know why, but he imagined, or at least tried to imagine, Doyoung’s face if he happened to enter his apartment after not hearing from him for days and seeing him surrounded by the crimson liquid that should’ve kept his heart beating, not staining the bathroom rugs and cabinets, reaching all the way into the hallway.

Not something he wanted to see in his mind’s eye, he realized as he shook the prickling feeling off his hands. 

He laughed because it was ironic. He laughed because all the time he spent running in circles, dreaming of becoming a vocal teacher and hoping for Doyoung to take the next step was cut short because of no one else but him.

In the end, he couldn’t make it through the night, no matter how much he tried. And the thoughts that would occupy his mind after midnight proved to be the inevitable end to his sorrowful life.

**Author's Note:**

> Now, why did I write such a heavy, 21k word fic for DoKun of all ships? I don't know.
> 
> I'm not sure how many, if any, people will read this at all, but if you've come all the way here, thank you and I hope you.. "enjoyed"?
> 
> This is basically just thousands of words describing the desperate state Kun is in, which, even after a year of happiness, he couldn't get out of, as loved and cared for as he was - his mental illness wouldn't cooperate.
> 
> I'm sorry, I know this is a rough read, but I just want to capture different sides of reality through fiction that, as sad as they are, are still part of our lives. 
> 
> To whoever will read this, I hope you're doing well and remembering to take care of yourself, whatever that might mean for you. You are worthy of so much love and happiness, your life is so precious. Even if things go wrong, I hope you'll find the strength you need to power through.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading. <3


End file.
